HALLOWEEN

 Ocrtober 31. 

There seem to be two different camps on Halloween. Those that dress up to be cute, finding an escape from reality and adopting a different persona. Halloween is a break from reality, a chance to embrace something that you are not. A chance to escape and pretend. For others, Halloween is an opportunity to delve in to the dark and scary....a day to embrace things that are unknown and spooky. 

There has been a lot of unknown and scary during the month of October. 

But, today was a really good day.

This last week has been uneventful. Eli's appetite is back in full force.

He's been getting caught up on school work. Peep the emotional support dog, who needs his own emotional support dog.

Oh, and the Dodgers won the World Series!

Eli has gotten to take back control by way of getting behind the wheel again.

It is important for him to take control of this diagnosis. To feel that he has some say over how he will approach the scary. I am realizing that I have a very stubborn child and I don't hate it. He is determined and strong and his web is constructed of the most awesome fibers of resilience and determination. He is a fighter and will not back down or cower against the toughest opponent. I am in awe of his fighting spirit.

He got back behind the wheel a couple of times this week and today he drove himself to lunch at Gamma's. Lunch at Gamma's is the most special of the specials. Gamma is everybody's honorary Gamma. Gamma adopted Eli from the get-go. Gamma was cheering for Eli in all of her bedazzled bling before I even knew who Gamma was or which awesome kiddo she belonged to. Gamma comes to all of the games. Gamma is style. Gamma hosts lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Gamma's crowd is growing. I want to be Gamma when I grow up.

Eli's Thursday Support Group

This is Gamma.

Then we went to the annual baseball Halloween game. This was bittersweet. Eli has participated the last couple of years. I know he wanted to be out there, doing what he loves. But the next best thing was being on the field. It was a cold and crisp day. It sprinkled for a minute and then the sun returned...the promise of light in the midst of the darkness. The cold is good. It's the cold that makes you feel alive.

Tonight he went to the movies with his girlfriend to see a scary movie. Letting go is hard. Trusting is a challenge.

I just want to keep him safe and watch over his every move and hardship.

I feel like I finally reached a place where I was comfortable letting go. Comfortable with letting him make his own decisions. Comfortable with the consequences of actions and trusting that all of the time and effort that I put in was paying off. Now I want to wrap him in bubble wrap. Worried about his leg. Worried about getting sick. Worried about the unknown. But I know that I can't let my worry prevent him from living.

Halloween is an opportunity to be someone we are not. To dress up in character and pretend to be a super hero, an icon, a character that maybe we aren't or never could dream to be. It's hard to pretend to be strong. You either are or you aren't. 

My hero is Eli. He has been unbelievably strong and courageous. Never complaining or wavering in his strength and acceptance of this otherwise really unfortunate hand that he has been dealt. I won't pretend that this isn't hard. That this unforeseen change in circumstance isn't terrifying and scary. But he has tackled it head-on and with such unexpected bravery. Cancer is the villain, whether it wants to be or not and I would choose Eli as my costume time and again. 

Trick or treat.

Cancer is the trick and the battle is trying to figure out how to beat it.