I met up with my cousin, Jenny, this morning to walk down by the river. It was dark and cold when I left the house and after 3 miles of breathless catching up, the darkness had subsided and there was light. I can see the light. It's the dark that is hard and I have to remember that the light is there, even when I can't see it. Even when I'm facing away from it. Even when I can't feel the warmth.
Eli had surgery for his port placement today. People are starting to recognize us at the hospital and we have quite the collection of wrist bands. The surgery went well and Eli recovered from anesthesia while making the nurses laugh. His first question when he first woke up was, "How'd I do?" and when they told him he did good, he replied, "SWEET!" His recovery nurse was great and she was a Buffalo Bills fan and Eli had some opinions about her football team and was quite chatty, asking her if she was from that area. Before he was wheeled back to surgery he told us that he wanted some chocolate chip cookies soon, and after anesthesia we had a conversation of which cookies are better Crumbl or CHIP. He then said, "I remember when Bella got a job at Crumbl, I was so proud of her..." Then Bella sent me a picture of what she was doing. Coincidentally, she was at home baking chocolate chip cookies and is going to bring some to Eli tomorrow when she visits.
His appetite came back and he was able to eat and get comfortable in our room for the weekend in the peds oncology unit. They have started him with some IV hydration to make sure his kidneys are nice and flushed as well as some anti-nausea meds and he will start his first cycle of chemo tonight.
Recently rediscovering his love of LEGOs, Eli has put together two cars in the last couple of weeks and asked for another one on Tuesday that he finished last night. He says that there is something relaxing about working on them. While we were waiting in pre-op today he texted me another car that he wanted to build next, BUT I had already picked one up for the hospital stay so I pulled that out once we got settled in to our room. Assembling the Porsche has been occupying his time most of this evening.
In a little bit he will begin Week 1 Day 1 of chemo with two different medications and a third to protect his heart. I feel like I am going to measure the rest of this year in terms of "weeks". His 1st Cycle will include Week 1 with Chemo A and B (1-2 days) and then 2 weeks off for Week 2 and Week 3. Then Week 4 and Week 5 for Chemo C (3-? Days) and that's the end of the 1st Cycle. Then the 2nd Cycle repeats with Week 6 for Chemo A and B, then off for Week 7 and Week 8 and then finishing with Week 9 and Week 10 with Chemo C. If everything goes according to the plan, he would finish the 10 weeks right before Christmas.
I have been a little nervous about starting all of this going into a cold, wet winter. Winter is not my favorite season and it lasts longer than I would like, but winter has a purpose. Winter can be harsh and reminds us of the resilience of nature and the human spirit. Winter forces us to adapt and get used to shorter days, colder weather, less time spent outdoors and more time spent resting and recovering. Winter won't last forever, even though it seems to drag on. I also know that this season of life isn't permanent and I will look back at how far our family has come and how much rebuilding and regrowth happened during this time of uncertainty. This year, I will lean into winter. I will allow winter to teach us that we are resilient, that we are prepared and that we just need to trust the process. Winter has to happen so that the Spring will be full of growth and change.
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